Performance Anxiety: Erection and Ejaculation

Welcome to mental hell!

The best way to know if your erectile dysfunction is caused by performance anxiety is to check for nighttime erections and morning wood. If you have both, then everything is in great shape down there and the only problem is in your mind.

We’ll discuss stress and erectile dysfunction in another post, but performance anxiety and stress have very similar characteristics and consequences, with the added benefit that performance anxiety also results in premature ejaculation oftentimes. Stress can do that too, but the sequence is often stress>erectile dysfunction>performance anxiety>erectile dysfunction+premature ejaculation>more stress>more performance anxiety>mental hell!

So first, what goes behind performance anxiety? Well, basic mechanics are basics. When a man experiences ED, it is natural that he will start getting anxious about his performance the next time around. Have a couple of failures in a row, your confidence is now shaky and your desire to perform only goes stronger. So what happens next? Well, you turn sex into a scientific study in which you are consistently monitoring the strength of your erection. Any decrease in erectile strength plunges you into a whirlwind of fear of failure. The most natural response to fear is escape or aggression. And so, as you feel your erectile strength dwindling, you start escaping into your sexual fantasies, and when these don’t do the job, you’ll pivot to porn scenes and pornstars that really turn you on. As you live some of the most intense pornographic scenes in your mind, your erection actually starts getting stronger only to then drop you in the hell chamber of premature ejaculation as your mind was well ahead of what was happening in the bedroom.

• When performance anxiety is based on fear of failure, you are too tensed and focused on yourself. The best way to fight is to:

  • Relax. There are a couple of key focus areas here: deep stomach breathing, releasing tension in your jaw/neck/shoulders, and releasing tension in your pelvic floor muscles! That last part is very important. Kegel exercises will help you better control your pelvic floor muscles so that you will know better how to relax them as well. Muscles relax when they are not under tension.

  • Focus on your partner. Learn to relax as your first line of defense. After that, focus on your partner. Stop monitoring your erection and get out of your head! Focus on your partner instead of yourself. If you are with someone that you find attractive, nature will take over once you relax.

Beyond fear of failure, performance anxiety can also be focused on the performance itself, almost in a competitive way. From “will I make it?” to “am I the best at it?” It’s a huge source of pride when you make your partner orgasm. All of us want to hear that we are the best they ever had. Now as you know, pride has really nothing to do with sexuality. It is entirely an ego booster. And so a lot of us have sex in a performing way. We monitor everything about our partner, making sure we are the best at pleasing them. Guess what’s missing in this scenario. You! That’s right, if you are so focused on your partner’s orgasm, who is looking out for yours?

• When performance anxiety is based on the desire to please, you are not in tune with yourself and what turns you on. You are pleasing your ego, not your sexuality.

  • Focus on what you like. The most attractive is always authentic. Noting unnatural feels right. We are strong believers that no matter what turns you on, the best you is the real you. Focus on your orgasm and good time, and let your partner worry about theirs. If your natural self is not enough then move on. You both will be happier and sexier!